After School Thoughts
I'm finally done with my diploma. Hooray! T'was kind of a bittersweet moment but comprises mostly of 70% bitter, 30% sweet. If you were an ex-classmate and you found your way here, brace yourself. I'm gonna be dishing dirt I've held to myself (for the most part) and if you disagree, you are welcomed to confront me about it - that's if you know that i'm talking about you. But don't get all defensive yet! Reflect about the situation and put yourself in my shoes.
Let's start with how I (think) portray myself in school. I think i'm self-sufficient in terms of schoolwork and personal life. But if 2 heads are better than 1, why not? I had a good partner and we had great working dynamics - up till late 2014. It felt like we could tolerate each other (though I think it's mostly her tolerating my short temper), we bounced ideas off pretty well and understood each other. She was someone I shared most of my personal life to, maybe 80% of it. I do share my personal life with a couple of other friends too but maybe about 15 - 25%. Well y'know some people like sharing more than listening hence the figures.
Right now, I don't have anyone to share it with. All I tell a few is that, "I feel so empty". What an irony, wanting to say so much but feeling a void. Hahaha i am visualizing echoes. There isn't a clear outline out my issues yet because i've been evading them - I'm assuming I have a bit. Thank goodness for FYP because it served as a great distraction. Last night, just before applying my facial moisturizer, i looked at myself in the mirror for a bit. I would usually run my palms down my face to feel if it's dry enough, but last night my hands stopped halfway, almost cupping my face. In the darkness, tears welled up but i managed to cease the sob. There must be other distractions!
A few girls and I discussed about a road trip to Indonesia. After everyone convinced me and themselves how great it would be, the trip was the main thing that kept my spirits up during FYP. But one by one excuses and evasion stacked on, but it was all right because a couple of them girls were really stressed and so I tried to bury my feelings in consideration of theirs. Waiting for answers helped because it slowly wore me out to the point I could convince myself that the trip wasn't happening. Gotta keep searching for distractions. Maybe money.
You see, my feelings and personal life are different. I don't even tell my friends in school that I feel upset that they make fun of my age. But that's fine because i'm gonna let it out here:
To all you unkind and immature people who have made fun of my me, at my age, still doing my Diploma... it'll come back to you, i'm not worried. Despite the few times that i have appeared uncomfortable, and maybe 85% of the time I put on a strong front and seemingly brush it off, I was not okay. I'm still not okay because it hurts. Do you people even think before you before you speak? Do you know what has happened in my life that led me to this point? Would you like it if I told you that you're inadequate in some ways? There, reflect.
Okay, this post needs some sugar now. I appreciate the few people who have spent time listening to my project problems/ complaints about classmates. In all fairness, we have listened and advised one another and it was a nice exchange. I've gotten free coffee and cigarettes too! Thank you for the generosity. Y'all know I try to return the favour too.
All the best to our future endeavours.
Let's start with how I (think) portray myself in school. I think i'm self-sufficient in terms of schoolwork and personal life. But if 2 heads are better than 1, why not? I had a good partner and we had great working dynamics - up till late 2014. It felt like we could tolerate each other (though I think it's mostly her tolerating my short temper), we bounced ideas off pretty well and understood each other. She was someone I shared most of my personal life to, maybe 80% of it. I do share my personal life with a couple of other friends too but maybe about 15 - 25%. Well y'know some people like sharing more than listening hence the figures.
Right now, I don't have anyone to share it with. All I tell a few is that, "I feel so empty". What an irony, wanting to say so much but feeling a void. Hahaha i am visualizing echoes. There isn't a clear outline out my issues yet because i've been evading them - I'm assuming I have a bit. Thank goodness for FYP because it served as a great distraction. Last night, just before applying my facial moisturizer, i looked at myself in the mirror for a bit. I would usually run my palms down my face to feel if it's dry enough, but last night my hands stopped halfway, almost cupping my face. In the darkness, tears welled up but i managed to cease the sob. There must be other distractions!
A few girls and I discussed about a road trip to Indonesia. After everyone convinced me and themselves how great it would be, the trip was the main thing that kept my spirits up during FYP. But one by one excuses and evasion stacked on, but it was all right because a couple of them girls were really stressed and so I tried to bury my feelings in consideration of theirs. Waiting for answers helped because it slowly wore me out to the point I could convince myself that the trip wasn't happening. Gotta keep searching for distractions. Maybe money.
You see, my feelings and personal life are different. I don't even tell my friends in school that I feel upset that they make fun of my age. But that's fine because i'm gonna let it out here:
To all you unkind and immature people who have made fun of my me, at my age, still doing my Diploma... it'll come back to you, i'm not worried. Despite the few times that i have appeared uncomfortable, and maybe 85% of the time I put on a strong front and seemingly brush it off, I was not okay. I'm still not okay because it hurts. Do you people even think before you before you speak? Do you know what has happened in my life that led me to this point? Would you like it if I told you that you're inadequate in some ways? There, reflect.
Okay, this post needs some sugar now. I appreciate the few people who have spent time listening to my project problems/ complaints about classmates. In all fairness, we have listened and advised one another and it was a nice exchange. I've gotten free coffee and cigarettes too! Thank you for the generosity. Y'all know I try to return the favour too.
All the best to our future endeavours.
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